A Curmudgeon's View of Modern Day Pro Football

1. The second and each subsequent time a Home Team plays "The Bells that Toll" on a 3rd down for the Visitors, a touchdown shall be rewarded to the Visitors.

2. Each player with hair covering their name shall cost their team 3 points for each half they are used and be forced to wear their name on the back of their pants. They also cannot have their name said on commercial broadcasts.  "Prima Donna" shall be substituted.

3. Each time a second TV timeout occurs after 1 or fewer plays occur, the network owes each viewer $10, payable in beer.

4. Each player over-celebrating a normal inconsequential play for TV exposure shall cost their team 1 point and 1 timeout. This is football, not beach volleyball

5. Each announcer can say "red-zone" only once per game. Any extra mention will result in a punch to the head from Mike Ditka.

6. Each player unsnapping and snapping their chin-straps more than once per play or playing with their mouthpiece like an obsessive-compulsive patient must do 3 laps of the field before being used in another play.  Just like 8th grade gym class.

7. Each player that misses "spiking " a football over the goalposts squarely must apologize to Julius "Dr. J" Erving before being put back into the game.

8. TV Networks must pay each person in attendance $100 in BTUs or brats each time they demand an 8 O'Clock game when a 1 O'Clock time was available and the temperature reaches below freezing at any time during the game.

9. Any player celebrating by pounding their chest demonstrating "it's all about me" shall have their chest pounded by each player on the field for the opposing team for that play and forfeit 3 points from their team's score.

10. Each kicker celebrating by pointing to the sky after any play shall be forced to play linebacker for the next 3 plays for his team's defense.