Particles Get Faster as Women Get Slower*

In its infinite wisdom, the IAAF has ruled retroactively that women's records cannot be made in mixed races with men.  It has stricken the records of any mixed races, making the women's marathon record 5 minutes slower in the process.  Will it next rule that men's records cannot be set in mixed competition also?  Will my 1980 PR in the mile be stricken from the books?  (A pitiful 4:18 on PSU's track at an all-comer's meet while weaving through men, women, children and dogs if I remember correctly.)

At the same time. busy CERN scientists are reluctant to report that a particle has been observed to consistently travel at above the speed of light.  Since this is like kicking Einstein in the groin, they are asking others to replicate their experiments before trumpeting them.  I'll bet Albert wouldn't be too put off though.  I'll bet he was treated worse in elementary school than that!

*Women aren't actually slower.  In fact, they are much, much faster in my opinion.