End of Universe Narrowly Avoided:

Top physicists argue that the universe was spared yesterday, as the foursome including Coach Harry Groves fell one stroke short of winning his own memorial tournament. If his own name appears on The Cup, they propose, the precise balance of the dark matter comprising
99% of the universe would become unstable. Black holes in the center of the galaxy would then accelerate beyond the speed of light, and all matter would soon become obsolete.

Stephen Hawking was quoted as saying "bweep, dingle, mwoop, borgle, dom", as his voice synthesizer is on the fritz. It is believed to mean he was quite relieved after learning the score.

Overall first place went to the foursome of Clark Haley, Brian Laird/Bill Whittaker, Steve Balkey and Mike McCahill. (Brian Laird had to leave early either to make the Stanley Cup Finals or to meet "clients" at Cafe 210. Inquiries are being made.) A Tournament and Course record of 6-under par place them at the top of this pathetic bunch.

Only one stroke back. the foursome of Paul Mundy, Nick "Special" K, David Baskwill and Coach Groves pushed the leaders in unexpected ways. Coach provided amoral support in the form of four-letter tirades and an uncanny grasp of the rules of golf. An eagle on the par 5 fifth hole was aided by the original Queensbury Rules which state that "Stupid bird-houses on poles are not really barriers to four men with clubs."

Weekend Coordinator Harry Smith's foursome also broke par, despite the fact that Gary Black needed a bag of painkillers just to get to the first tee. He promises next year to bring his bionic, surgically recreated body back for a shot at the title. Post-tournament banquet hosts Steve and Beth Shisler rounded out the game foursome. Stormstown residents are now banding together in order to pass a new noise ordinance to combat the regrettable rowdiness we provided. The recycling center nearby, however, was pleased with the sudden influx of bottles and cans.

Award winners included:

Longest Drive: Beth Shisler (prid'ner near 305 yards) ; prizes included a hybrid club and a Toyota Camry SE

Closest to the pin: Clark Haley (13 feet 10 inches); prizes included a distance-finder and a BMW convertible

Longest Trip: Gary Black (309 miles), Charlottesville, VA; a golf umbrella

Longest Putt: Mike McCahill, 10 feet 10 1/2 inches; a set of iron covers and a Steelers edition pick-up truck

Ghostman Award (Longest time before participating in the event): Coach Groves; a golf hat

Shot-of-the-day: Steve Shisler; a ball retriever, for hitting the parking lot on Hole 9

Rob Whiteside "Brotherhood Award": Coach Groves; a golf book

Numbnutt Award #1: Brian Laird, for leaving early; Spongebob Squarepants golf balls

Numbnutt Award #2: Paul Mundy, for invoking Queensbury Rules; a golf hat

Thanks also to the Honorary Course Marshall for the event Greg Fredericks who allowed the use of rules originally meant for boxing, and his tireless efforts to make putting on Hole 16 memorable. Coach Whittaker is commended for mopping up for Brian Laird on Holes 7-18. We hope to see more Honorary Captains at the next year's event.

Harry Smith performed flawlessly in his first year as Coordinator, providing us with the first smile on Clark Haley's face in 7 years. Clark will continue to enjoy his retirement in the Garden State.

Anything I forgot?